Inapropriations

Although it is painfully obvious that at some point about 10 months ago I engaged in unprotected sex with my husband, and embarrassingly clear that “The Girls” have been doing their darndest to convince the world that I am cold despite how overheated I have been, it boggles my mind that people view a pregnant woman as an open invitation to say and ask inappropriate things. Things such as these gems:

“Wow! You are so big/ready to pop!” Yes. Thanks. I have noticed that I have put on over 50 lbs, but I super appreciate your noticing it and pointing it out, too! Yay.

“Are you dilated/effaced?” Really? Did you just ask me a question about my cervix? How about we keep intimate details about my cervix between me, my husband, and my doctor?

“Who will be in the delivery room with you?” Are you asking to be invited? GROSS. If my lady parts were a public theatre, I never would have gotten married and committed myself to one person in the first place.

“Any day now!” This isn’t so much inappropriate, as much as it is annoying. Yes, I am aware my due date is tomorrow. In fact, I was the one who provided you with that information in the first place. A due date is not an exact science, and baby is going to arrive when she decides to, not when the OB/GYN estimates she will. Key word there is 'estimates.' It may be tomorrow, it may be next week. Stop reminding me and let me just continue on doing what I am doing. I hope to have the next 60 or so years to enjoy her company, I can be patient. Can you?

“Was this planned?” Um, I am almost 40. Do you think this was an accident?

“Do you know when you conceived?” SERIOUSLY? Are you asking me when I had sex? See above question. If we were “actively trying,” then, no – I can’t pinpoint exactly which, um, “session” it was while I was ovulating that led to this bundle of joy.

“You’ll need a bigger car!” Yeah. We bought a bigger car. Happy now? We bought a Prius. What is that? I will still need to buy an SUV/Minivan when baby #2 arrives? No. I won’t. A Prius is plenty roomy. Also, let me get through this pregnancy before you start making assumptions about more children. Hubby just wants one, and we had a hard enough time getting this one as it is. Let’s just enjoy her for a little while and be happy with that before you start reevaluating my vehicular needs.

“The baby has/hasn’t dropped!” My eyes are up here.